When Kids Push Our Buttons
One thing’s for sure—our kids can bring out both the best and the worst in us. They know exactly how to push our buttons. I remember when my daughter was in middle school and did something that completely set me off. I started yelling, and she yelled right back. I shouted, “Stop yelling!” and she said, “Well, you’re yelling—what’s the difference?” She was right. I had lost my cool. There’s nothing like our kids losing it to make us lose it too, right? It’s humbling, really- how parenting invites us to grow along with our kids.
Thankfully, there’s a better way. Dr. Stuart Ablon, founder of Think:Kids at Harvard, reminds us that effective parenting begins with managing our own emotions so we can respond with the smart part of our brain. He says, “Kids do well if they can.” When we forget that, we often add more pressure—and that only makes things worse.
Progress happens when we work with our kids instead of against them. Here’s one example. Let’s say your child struggles to get up and get dressed for school. Instead of forcing compliance, try collaboration:
“Hey, I’ve noticed mornings have been tough getting out the door. What do you think’s going on? You’re not in trouble—I just want to figure this out together.”
Then listen. Reflect on what you hear. Be curious and open. After they share, explain your concern: “I just need us both ready to leave on time.”
Now invite them to help solve the problem. Maybe they want to bring their clothes downstairs to get dressed. Great—try it. When kids feel heard and included, they’re more likely to cooperate—and your relationship grows stronger.
Real authority doesn’t come from control—it comes from calm and connection.
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