When Love Holds Too Tightly

As I prepare to give my youngest son away in marriage this June, I've been reflecting on something my dad once told me: "The two lasting gifts we give our children are roots and wings." And I can't help but wonder… How have I done?

A pastor once said to me years ago in a casual conversation that codependence can be summed up in a simple phrase:

"I have a plan for your life."

At first, that might sound like love. Of course we have hopes for our children. We want them to succeed, make good choices, and avoid unnecessary pain. But underneath that desire can be something more subtle—fear.

• Fear that they will struggle.
• Fear that they will fail.
• Fear that their path might look different than the one we imagined.

I can see places in my own parenting where I held on too tightly—where my desire to help was really a desire to manage the outcome.

When fear leads, we tend to over-direct, step in too quickly, or control outcomes. In doing so, we may unintentionally communicate, "I don't fully trust you to figure this out."

Children don't just need protection—they need preparation. They need both secure roots and strong wings.

Secure roots are built when children feel safe, seen, and supported.

Strong wings are developed when they are trusted to make choices, navigate challenges, and grow through experience.

Giving our children wings doesn't mean stepping back or removing boundaries. It means shifting from control to guidance—asking more questions, allowing safe struggles, and separating our identity from their outcomes.

We are not responsible for scripting our child's life. We are responsible for equipping them to live it.

When we loosen our grip and trust the process of growth, we give our children a powerful message:

"You are safe with me—and you are capable without me."